


Clobbering Time

by betsybo



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Episode: s03e03 Polymorph, Flirting, Fluff, M/M, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 02:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16864792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betsybo/pseuds/betsybo
Summary: They need to get out there and twat it - but Lister has something he needs to say first.A short, slashy 'Polymorph' fic.





	Clobbering Time

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Polymorphed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/996182) by [WinterEyes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterEyes/pseuds/WinterEyes). 



Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat were all in a hell of a state, but Lister only felt more confident with each passing second. He felt _good_. He had a clear head, and was packing enough ammunition to tear the cargo bay apart. They were going to destroy this thing, one way or another.

 

But first he needed to give this team a kick up the arse. Rimmer was talking some bollocks about leaflets, car boot sales and T-shirts, and now Kryten was wasting even more time insulting him. As Rimmer began to propose they decide on a name for their ‘society’, Lister's already thin patience was waning.

 

‘...one drawback of that, the abbreviation is “CLITORIS”,’ Rimmer finished saying.

 

Lister stared at him.

 

‘It needs _killing_!’ he snarled. ‘Sorry, _Rimsy_ , but we can’t defeat a monster with _inspirational quotes_.’ Rimmer opened his mouth as if to politely debate that, but Lister continued, stomping over to where he was sitting at the table. ‘If I had it _my_ way we’d be tearing each other’s clothes off right now; getting in a good, hard shag before we go kill the smegger. But life doesn’t work that way, does it? ‘Cause we never had the _guts_ to admit our feelings.’

 

Rimmer blinked owlishly up at Lister through his thick glasses.

 

‘Oh, and I’d have been only too pleased to oblige and reciprocate, David,’ he said agreeably, gesturing with the hand clutching his pipe. ‘Unfortunately, we _can’t_ do as you suggested for practical reasons – and while I’d be equally thrilled to indulge in some other, intangible, carnal intercourse with you later, it _does_ appear as though we’re rather up against it now.’

 

Lister grinned wolfishly.

 

‘Well, I’ve always liked being _up against it_ , Arnold,’ he said in a low voice, leaning into Rimmer’s space.

 

Rimmer blushed as he gazed at him, and took a little puff from the pipe.

 

‘Oooh, you guys, I don’t... think I wanna hear that,’ slurred the Cat from where he was slumped on the floor. ‘I’ll need another bottle of _this_ – ’ He hiccupped. ‘ – for a start.’

 

‘Shut it!’ barked Lister, twisting to point at him.

 

‘Sure, buddy. I’m – not even...’ The Cat trailed off, held his bottle up and belched.

 

‘Ha!’ said Kryten from Rimmer’s bunk, regarding Lister and Rimmer with mild disdain as they turned to him. ‘Apart from your mutual lust being incredibly obvious and completely _boring_ , I believe that it may attract the Polymorph.’ He shrugged. ‘You two can be the bait, and I’ll shoot – Sure, there’s a chance I’ll blast one of you instead of the damn thing, but then... who cares?’

 

‘Who indeed, Kryten?’ said Lister, nodding as he turned to observe them all, teeth gritted. ‘Now, _that’s_ a smegging plan! Yes! I’m going down guns blazing with me cock and balls out!’ He glared at everyone again. The Cat dribbled down his front, Kryten gave him a casual nod of the head and Rimmer was looking between them all dubiously. ‘Last one alive’s a wet _ponce_! Who’s with me?’

 

Kryten grunted and clambered off Rimmer’s bunk.

 

‘Well – ’ Rimmer said, getting to his sandaled feet. ‘The car stickers won’t be ready until Thursday, but sometimes one just has to act spontaneously.’

 

‘That’s right,’ hissed Lister, walking back over to stand close to him. ‘They do. So if we die down there, Arnold, you’d better _damn_ well do it knowing I love you.’

 

The Cat lazily dragged himself up with a yelp of protest then, and stumbled out.

 

‘I love you too, David – thank you,’ said Rimmer happily, and looked between them. ‘Goodness, it _would_ be nice if we could hold hands, wouldn’t it?’

 

‘That it would, babe,’ growled Lister, taking in his cheerful but somewhat regretful smile beneath the new beard, and his dark eyes magnified behind the glasses.

 

‘We could have had a bigger banner and held it together, too; it’s really a shame.’

 

‘Oh, come _on_!’ called Kryten from the doorway, Rimmer jumping slightly before the pair of them moved to leave.

 

‘People - let’s go!’ chirped Rimmer, holding the pipe aloft as he marched out through the door.

 

‘Let’s do this,’ snarled Lister, then glanced down at Rimmer’s tall figure before him. ‘Nice legs, by the way.’

**Author's Note:**

> I knew I'd read a Polymorph fic somewhere before, and realised it was the excellent one by WinterEyes linked above, and I had this in my head and wanted to share it. I LOVE the polymorphed boys. Rimmer is so soft and cute. I was never sure how much they were supposed to remember of this once they get their emotions back, and I haven't got a continuation for it right now, but still. I just love that episode, TBH.


End file.
